"I think i am a dreamer. Cause i have many dreams that i never bring into reality. But i hope with a new spirit i can be a dream chaser"Today just as usual, there's another black out in my city. I think this city really need a new source of energy!
Last night before going to sleep, i once again saw my face in the mirror. What i see is just a stupid, idiotic man that is wasting his time all the day doing nothing but dreaming. Right now i have to stop dreaming again. Huh... I have said it to myself many time but it just stand for a few days. I hope to bring a new spirit!
In this holiday i feel so lonely, there's nobody here. haha... maybe it's because i'm becoming a super crazy guy. I feel i'm becoming a different man right now. It's just not me. I'm full of lustful thought. I need to change. It's been some time since i last went to temple to listen to Dharma. maybe 3 years i guess. I have also stop reading Dharma book for quite a time. i think it's around one year or more. i can feel right now that my morality is diminishing. and once again i will said, i need to change. i will start reading dharma again. haha... last time i thought i have heard enough dharma so i don't need it anymore. But last night before i sleep, i realize that Dharma will never be enough. once you stop listen to it, the temptation, the corruption will try to wash it over and replace it with an evil thought. I need to control my mind. This is my mind!
I know that i'm keeping some distance from everybody, especially my good friends. I am close to many people that i consider my good friend, don't know if they feel the same, but once i get to some point of close, i will then try to keep a distance from them. I don't know why i'm like that but i think this is a part of me that going to be an anomaly. I have never been like this before. Usually i just get close then won't keep a distance again. But now... i can cry if i think of what i have been this year. Last night through a before sleep contemplation, i feel that this is a traumatic effect on my psychic. It maybe because of my heart was once ruined by a good friend (in my opinion). One day i realized that i love her. she rejected me. This is not the problem. I don't care if she rejected me. What i am disappointed for is, after that incident, we stop contact. My Sms and Email was never getting any reply. just a few months ago there's a little communicating. But this heart has already ruin. I think this is the reason why i keep a distance to my good friend and behaving so irksome. i don't blame anybody but this small easily hurt heart.
I Need To Change...
No comments:
Post a Comment